Clean Jokes

peacegirl14love asked:


I have to do the announcements at my junior high everyday next week. Each day i’m supposed to read a joke. I’ve found a lot of funny ones, but hardly any that are clean enough to read. I’m not alowed to do blonde jokes either, because they’re considered “mean” , but i can change the parts about the color of the people’s hair if it still fits.
any ideas?

*Let’s Laugh* A.K.A. Hancock asked:


there is a 17 year old teenager driving a big truck.Suddenly his truck slips and it completely flips upside down and crashes with a huge BANG!!!.Next thing the teenager sees is that hes being dragged out of the car by an old man.So the kid askes the old man “thankyou for saving me but i have to go and tell my dad about the crash”so the old man says “no no u should stay and take a shower before you leave otherwise your dad will yell at you because ur so filthy.So the kid goes and takes the shower.when he comes back he says “I really got to go and tell my dad about the crash” But the old man says U should stay for supper before you go otherwise youll be hungry.so the kid stays and eats supper while hes about to finish the old man asks the kids”by the way before you leave…where is ur dad????……..”so the kid replies saying…..O ya hes still in the truck…..”

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Broadway Babe asked:


i need to find a CLEAN and SHORT (like not one of those story-type ones) joke for an audition (don’t ask why haha).

it can’t be offensive to any religious or ethnic groups… and no blonde jokes or dead baby jokes.

and please tell me what you think of this one:
why didn’t the apple and the orange get married?
A: because they CAN’T ALOPE!

? Conƒused Band F?eak ? ® ? asked:


Mrs. Cohen, the buxom, sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he’d finished she paid him and said, “I’m going to make a … well … unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man – sigh – he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re a man … ”

The repairman could hardly speak, “Yes yes!”

“And since I’ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door …”

“Yes yes!”

“Would you help me move the refrigerator?”

snow kid asked:


im a kid myself..

One night, a Boeing 747 was flying above Glasgow. On board were five people: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a rather high (in several ways) hippie. Suddenly, a loud exploded was heard from the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

“Gentlemen,” he began, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re about to crash in Edinburgh. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!” With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. “Gentlemen,” he said, “I am the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world’s greatest athlete should have a parachute!” With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, “Gentlemen, I am the world’s smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world’s smartest man should have a parachute, too.” He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. “My son,” he said, “I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane.”

The hippie smiled slowly and said, “Hey man, don’t worry. The world’s smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.”.

GIMME A STAR!!if you liked it..

snow kid asked:


Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding.
One says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”

The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”

“What do you call it?”

“We call it a football wedding.”

The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”

The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”

GIMME A STAR!if you like it..

AgentWD40 asked:


it can be dirty aswel

Jblover dont hate cuz ur jealous asked:


Good clean jokes for school ok i have to have one for every friday got any good clean jokes???

Pd asked:


One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names …and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”
“Good morning,” replied the young man — still focused on the plaque.
“What is this?” Alex asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
“Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex’s voice was trembling .. and barely audible … when he asked, “Which service? … the 8:30 …. or the 11:00?”

snow kid asked:


An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

“When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.”

GIMME A STAR!!if you like it,…

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