Pd asked:
A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she Turned to him and said
“I hope I haven’t made you feel uncomfortable – it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”
“Oh, that’s ok,” he said.
“I know it’s silly,” she continued, “but if you called out ‘Goodbye, Mother’ as I leave, it would make me ever so happy.”
The old lady proceeded through the checkout and the man said called out “Goodbye Mother.” The old lady waved Back& smiled.
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone’s day, the man went to pay for his groceries.
“That’ll be 105 dollars,” said the clerk.
“How come?” inquired the man. “I’ve only bought a few things!”
“Yeah, but your mother said you’d pay for her…”
End of this week in this middle east country, hence by 2 all… have a nice weekend
stickmanstewy asked:
A neighbor was watching a little boy playing with a ball and bat in his backyard. “I’m the greatest hitter in the world” the boy exclaimed as he threw the ball into the air. He swung with all his might but missed the ball and fell down himself. “Strike One” he says as he gets up. He throws it up again and swings. Again the ball falls to the ground with a thud. “Strike Two” he yells still undeterred. “I’m the greatest” he says as he swings once again hitting only air as the ball falls to the ground. This time he dances around the backyard as he yells “Strike Three…. I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!”
American Princess asked:
do you know of any? he’s gay and i have the keys to his apartment. I left him small size confetti on his carpet once..he still hasn’t gotten rid of it…he moved my living room to my bedroom and my bedroom to the living room! now, i need to get him back!
help?
? Conƒused Band F?eak ? ® ? asked: Mrs. Cohen, the buxom, sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he’d finished she paid him and said, “I’m going to make a … well … unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man – sigh – he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re a man … ”
The repairman could hardly speak, “Yes yes!”
“And since I’ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door …”
“Yes yes!”
“Would you help me move the refrigerator?”
snow kid asked: Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding.
One says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”
The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”
“What do you call it?”
“We call it a football wedding.”
The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”
The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”
GIMME A STAR!if you like it..
snow kid asked: An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
“When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.”
GIMME A STAR!!if you like it,…
ya can also add me to ya contacts..i post jokes evryday..
ottoman asked:
American Australian, Mexican,
Enter a bar , where they see Jesus sitting on his own ,
all three sent a pint of beer to his table,
Jesus slowly drunk the beers taking his time,
when he finished , walked over to the table where the three man was sitting,
He thanks the American for the Budweiser and shakes his hand,
the American said , thats cured my arthritis in my hands thank you,
Jesus pats the Australian on the back and thanks him for the Fosters beer , the Australian stands up , stone me thats cured my back , i can stand up now.
Jesus turns to thank the third man where he sees the Latino running away shouting stay away stay away, i am on disability allowance benefits keep away,
Oh itsme !! asked: A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.
“What was that for?” the man asked.
The wife replied “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket”.
The man then said “When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on”
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. “Your horse phoned”
snow kid asked: A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, “you’re in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a social worker”.
The man quickly responds, “the lawyer’s”.
The doctor says, “Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?”
The man says, “I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyer’s probably never used his. So I’ll take the attorney’s!”
GIMME A STAR! if you like..
carson123 asked:
,,There was a certain bus driver who hated his job, and he figured he was through. He went up to the personnel office to resign.
…He said’ “I am quitting this job, and there is nothing you can do to make me stay!”
…The personnel manager replied, “Please, let’s not be hasty. You are one of our most dependable drivers. We really hate to lose you. What problems are you experiencing?”
…The driver vented his frustrations to the personnel manager. Then came the offer.
…”If you try it just one more week, we’ll change your route, give you a new and special bus, and since it is Friday, you can take off the last half of today. How about trying it, for just one more week?”
…Feeling somewhat better about the situation, he agreed to try it for one more week.
…He arrived Monday for work, they gave him his new route, and he was escorted to his new bus. This bus was special in a strange sort of way — it had all these muppet characters all over it, like Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggie, Cookie Monster, and Oscar the Grouch. Even so, he made an agreement, so he climbed into the driver seat, and off he went.
…At the 1st stop, 2 very heavy women entered the bus. Each introduced herself as “Patty”. The driver told them to sit down, and they continued on.
…At the 2nd stop, a lady with a boy named Ross got on the boss. She went on and on and on and on about how great and special her little Ross was to her. The driver, a little impatient now, told them to find a seat, and they drove on.
…At the 3rd stop, a barefoot man named Lester Sheets walked in. The bus driver reminded him that company policy stated he must have shoes on to ride the bus. Lester begged and begged and begged, saying that the bunions on his feet hurt a lot, and that he had no other way to get to where
he needed to go. The driver sighed, and agreed, and on they drove.
…The driver look in his rear view and saw Lester picking his feet on the bus.
…That was it, that was enough for him. He stopped the boss,
made everyone leave, and returned to the bus lot. He went up to the personnel office, and told them, “I really am quitting this time, and you can’t make me come back.”
…They asked why.
…He replied, “Because you gave me 2 obese patties, special Ross, Lester Sheets, pickin’ his bunions on a Sesame Street bus!”
…I did ask for clean jokes………remember?
..If you don’t get that joke, think about a recent McD’s commercial (within the last 2 or 3 years) – it is a word play on a line from that commercial about the Big Mac – two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun…….
