Clean Jokes

peacegirl14love asked:


I have to do the announcements at my junior high everyday next week. Each day i’m supposed to read a joke. I’ve found a lot of funny ones, but hardly any that are clean enough to read. I’m not alowed to do blonde jokes either, because they’re considered “mean” , but i can change the parts about the color of the people’s hair if it still fits.
any ideas?

Broadway Babe asked:


i need to find a CLEAN and SHORT (like not one of those story-type ones) joke for an audition (don’t ask why haha).

it can’t be offensive to any religious or ethnic groups… and no blonde jokes or dead baby jokes.

and please tell me what you think of this one:
why didn’t the apple and the orange get married?
A: because they CAN’T ALOPE!

gracefullady asked:


i am a good cook and i mostly bakes the chicken in my oven.It makes my oven very greasy and some kind of unclean.i clean it with some detergent but it is not much shinny .How can i clean it without using hands .some thing which i put at night in my oven and on the morning it would be clean.Please help me!It is not a joke because i have heard about this .

thejokeproject asked:

clean jokes for the whole family

Seriously though… asked:


So I LOVE laughing and telling jokes, sometimes the Chesseier the better!! PLease keep it clean but i would love to hear some jokes!
This is my absolute favorite joke ever… enjoy!

SO there are two muffins in an oven, one turns to the other and says “Man, its HOT in here…” and the other muffin replies “AHHH… A talking muffin!!!!!”

jersey asked:


I am a teacher and I post a new joke in the classroom everyday. Do you have any short, good, clean, fun jokes that teenagers would appreciate?
In response to Timberwolf — I did post this with the jokes and it was removed for some reason. Something about not being appropriate — Oh well — Thank you for your answer.

Jay Speyerer asked:


Humor is a funny thing. Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor, but not everyone is right. You can be an effective speaker even if you don’t have a sense of humor, as long as you don’t try to fake it. The audience can always tell.

On the other hand, if you have been blessed with a good sense of humor, that isn’t enough to be a speaker; you also need a sense of timing. A sense of humor allows you to see the funny aspects of everyday life and the funny relationships between unrelated things. A sense of timing lets you talk about them in a funny way.

We all know what’s funny, but we laugh at wildly different examples. One theory says that some nationalities are funnier than others, but I don’t buy it. I’m German by ancestry and I’ve been known to be amusing, even though you’d probably be hard pressed to come up with a good example of German hilarity. Sure, we have lederhosen and yodeling, but they don’t count because we were serious about those. You might ask how on earth we could be serious about such cultural oddities. I answer with another German tradition: beer.

When aspiring speakers ask me if they can open their presentation with a joke, I suggest that they use humor instead. The term ‘joke’ hits me as being stand-alone and unrelated to a topic or theme. Effective humor is always organic, blending seamlessly with the topic and the audience.

Are isolated jokes funny? Sure they are. The vaudeville comedian Henny Youngman was famous for his disconnected one-liners. “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.” But funny isn’t the only criterion; for humor to work within a presentation, it has to be effective, appropriate, and supportive of the topic. You know – organic. Unrelated one-liners don’t fit the definition. Besides, being able to tell a joke does not necessarily mean you have a good sense of humor; maybe you just have a good memory.

Organic humor is most effective when it’s woven into a story. But for the humor to work along with the point of the story, you really have to know the story. Really know it. REALLY. Pittsburgh radio personality and storyteller Jack Bogut says that a good speaker practices a story until he gets it right. A professional speaker practices a story until he can’t get it wrong. For any story – humorous or otherwise – to be effective, it must be told properly and flawlessly, and timing plays a major role.

This assumes you’ve mastered the basics, such as structure (beginning, middle, and end), progressive disclosure (what details you reveal and when you reveal them), and judicious use of dialogue and description. But it also includes minute details like the choice of language and the rhythm of the words. It isn’t only poetry and song lyrics that have rhythm; so do prose and the spoken word.

Let’s say you want to make a specific point using a humorous story as an illustration. Here’s one for you. The state of New Mexico recently unveiled (if that’s the right word) a series of public service announcements for the tipsy male from an unusual source: the urinal. Talking urinal cakes will spout messages in a female voice, such as the following: “Hey, you! Yeah, you! Having a few drinks? Then, listen up! Think you’ve had one too many? Maybe it’s time to call a cab or call a sober friend for a ride home. It’s sure safer and a hell of a lot cheaper than a DWI! Make the smart choice tonight. Don’t drink and drive!”

(I don’t know what you would illustrate with this story; that’s your problem.)

The article I read didn’t say how the talking urinal cakes are activated and I don’t want to know. But a Department of Transportation spokesman is quoted as saying that the device is a great idea because it’s guaranteed to get “ten or fifteen seconds of undivided attention.” Wait a minute. If you’re in a bar restroom and you can take care of business in ten or fifteen seconds, well, you’re just not doing your part. And there’s another problem. If the poor guy is really swacked and he’s in there all by himself and suddenly hears a woman’s voice coming out of the urinal … that could really throw off his aim. Worst case scenario: there’s a whole bank of urinals, each with its own babbling deodorizer, all being used at the same time. The cacophony could drive a man to drink.

Notice that each of my comments on the story ends in a one-syllable word. That isn’t essential every time, but it’s more effective. Find an amusing story in the newspaper or notice something funny at work, and then see what else it makes you think of. How much funnier can you make real life?

While Henny’s one-liner would not fit into a speech or presentation, it offers some valuable examples of structure and rhythm. This joke has two parts, the setup and the snapper. “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.” The setup has six syllables and the snapper has five, making only 11 syllables in the whole joke. And every word but one has only one syllable. That’s tight and economical writing.

Let’s try it another way: “My wife dresses to kill. You could say the same thing about her cooking.” It makes the same point, but not as well. Too many words and too many syllables. Plus, the second sentence doesn’t match the staccato rhythm of the first. In my bad example, I waited until the final word to reveal what is being compared to dressing, and that can be effective. But cooking has one syllable too many. Pay attention to the rhythm. A one-syllable word has more punch, especially if it’s the last one.

Many audiences expect a presenter to attempt humor. If the presenter is not a professional speaker, they’re also expecting the attempt to be lame. Surprise them.

becky711 asked:


i need a joke thats not lame that 6th graders will actually laugh at

There is an easy way to become a funnier person, than you were a few hours ago. I will first introduce why some things are amusing, the way important neurologists explain this to be. Whenever we comprehend new stuff, the brain builds a new path, from a brain cell to another brain cell.

That route what we call a synapse and it works like this:

After we think about blueberries , and if we know that specific fruit is food, our brain will make a path (synapse), that will connect the neural cells saving the data we have on those two terms. This actually means, that the next time you think of food, you will most likely think of apples. What you’re probably thinking is that this has nothing to do with humor. Well you’re wrong, as this is in fact the way humor works.

It all begins with a person telling you a simple and short story. Stand-up comedians call this a setup. After this, you should be thinking about this story in a certain way. Your brain makes connections from this setup to a punch-line that you think will follow. What you’re going to hear, won’t be the punch-line you imagined, but a completely different one, which will make you laugh. If by any chance you still don’t get this, the next example should be helpful.

The Setup:

What is the most satisfying thing next to being shot at and missed?

The Punch-line:

An income tax refund.

How have you felt when you heard the setup? Surely, you would’ve said it was either a Bosnian, Serbian or Croatian in the driver’s seat. It’s ok, because our brain simply works that way, during the setup. And as I already said, the punch-line you read was indeed very different. Memorize this, as it’s one of the basic ways humor works.

A good setup is of great importance. The greatest comedians will usually tell you a setup which will make you think of a number of different possible punch-lines. The more you think that your punch-line is the most suitable one, the more you’ll laugh when you hear the actual one. If you know the joke, you won’t find it funny anymore, because you brain won’t be making any new connections as you know the punch-line.

This article should prove useful if you want to make up some new pranks. When a girl tells something that everyone thinks about in the same way, but you find out an unexpected way to understand it. Now, if you tell this to others, it should be incredibly funny.



By: petar1980

About the Author:

Unlike the word “Computer”, jokes regarding it are also famous in the same ratio around the whole world. People like and enjoy reading and listening jokes about the equipment they use most of the time.

Computer jokes basically include the stupid behavior of its tech. support and its users. Although it has become an inseparable part of our life, with the upgrading technology people are still confused to use it and their stupid question becomes the part of a joke which will obviously tickle your bone with laughter.

As being familiar with the word computer and its functioning, you can enjoy the jokes related to it. It is more comprehensive and easy to understand which results to a quick laughter within you.

Funny computer pictures are also great to enjoy. You can find lots of them on web as they play a vital role to keep the funny computer jokes rolling on.

As these jokes are funny and can be cracked any where, whenever an appropriate situation is available among the group. As most of us are use to with the term and its associates it can easily create laughter among the crowd.

You can read and enjoy some o of the funny computer jokes below:

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A woman called tech support and said her computer couldn’t find the printer. The tech asked, “Are you working under windows?” The woman replied “no I’m near the door but the guy in the next cubical is working under a window and his printer works fine.”

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A new employee calls the Help desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password. No, it’s not the usual caps-lock problem.

“The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.

“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk technician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”

“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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The above jokes were some of the funny computer jokes to entertain you. For more funny stuff regarding it, you can find huge collection of funny computer jokes on web.



By: Rahul Roy

About the Author: